How I make my morning cup of Death Wish Coffee

How often has this happened to you? You spent the night You're up at an ungodly hour (anyone who rises before noon must be up to something suspicious) and you need a pick me up. More hair of the dog sounds like a good idea, but you've already received a stern warning from your parole officer. What's a man to do?

You need some damned coffee. Not any of that panty waist soy latte mocha crap, but some coffee with chutzpah.

Well the folks at Death Wish Coffee were nice enough to send me some of their allegedly insanely caffeinated coffee. Challenge Accepted.

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As coincidence would have it, once the coffee arrived, my wife "accidentally" broke my minibru mug. I'm not a suspicious man, but this is the third coffee pot she has broken. I'm starting to see a pattern emerge.

That being said, my first step is to open the bag. That may seem like a condescending piece of advice, but this isn't a coffee blog, so I'm expecting a few newbies to be reading this without the aid of their barista.

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The bag seems to be made out of some sort of finely crafted metal that was difficult to cut through with scissors. I had to use a broadsword to finally open the package. I thought they only used dwarves steel for their Valhalla Java but they must have used it for their signature brew.

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The beans themselves didn't look too caffeinated. Look at those lazy bastards just laying there.

Off to the grinder!

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Now grinding coffee is an essential step in the process. If you let others grind your coffee for you, well, where's the fun in that? You might as well just go and take a nap right now you lazy...

Sorry, haven't had my coffee yet and getting irate.

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So I like a medium ground because I typically use a French Freedom Press or the pour over method. Since my loving wife shattered my minibru, I'll be using a make shift pour over using a funnel, a filter and a thermos mug. Couldn't find a paper clip or a gum wrapper so I'm going to have to rough it.

Death Wish Coffee recommends 2 1/2 tablespoons of grounds per six ounces of water. Listen to them. They made this coffee and will not be held responsible if you mess it up!

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Careful not to spill any grounds. It's just as bad as spilling beer or good scotch. I actually dropped a bit because my hands were shaking, possibly from anticipation, but it could have been withdrawal.

No worries, I took care of it!

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Once the water is nice and hot (warning, don't use your finger or other body parts to test boiling water) pour a little over the grounds to let them soak. Then pour the rest over slowly, letting the grounds soak up real nice.

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No, that's too fast. Slow down! Everything else can wait until you're done.

Depending on your filters or pour method, it may take some time for the coffee to be ready. Take some time and reflect while you wait. You may not have a chance once you drink this coffee.

Now once you're done brewing the coffee, some of you may feel inclined to put milk and/or sugar in it. This would be ill-advised. I've heard rumors of the coffee actually ejecting milk and sugar like a geyser.

As for the taste? It's a damn fine cup of joe very smooth and not too bitter.

Now excuse me. I have to finish building a house, wrestling a tiger and chop down a forest before I head into the office.

Want the World's Most Caffeinated Coffee?  Check out Death Wish Coffee