The Truth about Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker…
… is that everybody has a theory and the misinformation campaigns have been wonderful. Fanfic type wonderful but wonderful nonetheless. Sure, Baby Yoda this and Baby Yoda that. Palpatine is really Plagues. Rey is a clone of the Emperor as is Snoke. Super Jedi Ghost force comes to Rey’s aid. The Knights of Ren will betray Kylo/Ben and a thing called the Wayfinder will do as it name states.
All very serious. Or at least the perpetrators of the theories say. Screw it. Lets have some fun and go where no one has gone before. Wink wink.
5 Best theories about Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
(of the odd kind)
First of all, these be goofy. Not serious. But there might be hints of truth. Outlandish is what we are so it is what we will do. Onto some fun.
1) IT WAS R2-D2 ALL ALONG!!!!!!
Yup. Good old, Chirp-Bleep-Bloop-Bleep. Not only is R2-D2 a cyborg with organic components inside its chassis, but they hold the remains of an ancient Guardian of the Whills. They are from Naboo like Palpatine and Padme. They put the whole thing together, and in the end, plays a lullaby/memory to Palps about his mother and he turns to the light. Or fries Palps with a lightning bolt, which R2 has been known to do. I mean, why else would he have all that contact with every major character in the cycle.
2) The Knights of Ren are really The Knights of Rey. That’s right they are all Rey clones of variable experimental body type. That’s why they wear masks and why Luke looked freaked out when he met her on Ach-Too. In any event, Rey has a Luke in the Dark Cave moment when she chops off their heads and sees helmets encasing various takes on her visage.
3) Captain Phasma sneak attacks Finn but Chewbacca saves him. But not only him, Chewy touches Phasma’s soul with a Wookie song and teaches her the real meaning of Life Day.
4) When visiting the forest moon of Endor to checkout the Death Star 2 remains, they recruit Wicket, now an aged Ewok leader. Things get awkward when he eats the remaining Porgs on the Millennium Falcon. Can’t go into battle on an empty stomach now can you.
5) The final fight scene is between Rey, Kylo-Ben, and Mecha-Sidious. That’s right. He took all the tech from Vader’s suit and General Grievous’s body and made a bloody Transformer. First it’s a throne and then it becomes a battle suit/vehicle. All is doomed for the heroes but like most folks with tech, he forgot to charge the battery. Palps tries to recharge with a bit of Force lightning but forgot the suit/vehicle isn’t grounded properly for external charging. Oops. Rey and Kylo-Ben look at him and say in unison “Okay, Boomer” and leave.
Finally) Both Kylo-Ben and Rey loose a hand in there fight between each other. Come on? What’s Star Wars without heroes losing a hand.
Star Wars has always been about x-winging it in story structure, so anything is possible. Well not the previously mentioned theories, but you get the point. Just enjoy the film. Have fun. Don’t take things too seriously. In a galaxy far far away, the joy the movies brought is here to stay.
May the Schwartz be with you.
